compie's Diaryland Diary

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honesty, oh mystery, tell me im not scared anymore

incuboyyd: how are you doing now?
dancingtubesock: i dunno.
dancingtubesock: i felt okay earlier today. at least now i can start to get over it.
dancingtubesock: i talked to lacey though and she kind of upset me
dancingtubesock: she was all
dancingtubesock: you have no right to be angry
dancingtubesock: what the fuck
incuboyyd: what? whatever yes you do
dancingtubesock: cause i was saying how i was kind of mad at the fact that they said that they wernt going to go out becasue they "cared about me" but did anyway
dancingtubesock: and shes like "well you acted like it was okay!" "kim didnt do anything wrong!"
dancingtubesock: i didnt say she did, all im saying is that they shouldnt have said that
dancingtubesock: just because its like..well if thats how you show you care about me, and then go back on it, it makes me feel like you dont.
incuboyyd: yeah I know
dancingtubesock: so lacey was like
dancingtubesock: well that was kims original plan, but i told her that wasnt fair to her or seth
dancingtubesock: and i guess it isnt really. i mean it would be selfish of me to prevent them from going out
dancingtubesock: but then again i still think i have a right to be angry about all of this
incuboyyd: yeah me too
incuboyyd: I would be
dancingtubesock: another thing is just like..
dancingtubesock: nothing against kim but
dancingtubesock: it just makes me really sad. cause like. she always gets what she wants.
dancingtubesock: i mean like..i dont know.
dancingtubesock: well maybe not, but she's been in a few relationships
dancingtubesock: and all i wanted was one.
dancingtubesock: just this one.
dancingtubesock: she cried about making 4th chair in this meyerhoff county performance thing
dancingtubesock: someone who cries over that really doesnt have anything to cry about
dancingtubesock: its just like
incuboyyd: that's stupid
dancingtubesock: can i for once be happy?
incuboyyd: heh, that's what I ask myself. and the whole "what's meant to be" question, I hate that too
dancingtubesock: yeah
dancingtubesock: i mean i havent really wanted that much
dancingtubesock: all i wanted was this
incuboyyd: yeah I know what you mean. I don't care what lacey says. what he did was wrong. he basically played with both you and kim's emotions (you go the worse end) and won out
dancingtubesock: yeah
dancingtubesock: i mean i dont know.
dancingtubesock: people like kim should be with people that are like her.
dancingtubesock: cause shes compatible with a lot of types of guys
dancingtubesock: i mean her boyfriends have been all over the spectrum
dancingtubesock: but i mean
dancingtubesock: i dont like people that often
dancingtubesock: and i really liked seth
incuboyyd: yeah she doesn't need him
incuboyyd: she had shelby
dancingtubesock: ha..i remember that night at daves. seth was all like..i dont think i want to do the whole dress up like a girl thing anymore. well you can do it to me amy, when im like 40 and fat and then i wont make an attractive girl anyway
dancingtubesock: and iw as like
dancingtubesock: do you think we'll know each other when we're 40 and fat? i hope so
dancingtubesock: hes like...maybe....maybe if...stuff happens.
dancingtubesock: it was just sweet. it reminded me of the line in some weezer song thats like "i wanna grow fat and old with you"
dancingtubesock: hehe
dancingtubesock: but anways..
incuboyyd: heh
dancingtubesock: yeah. it just seems that kim has a lot of shallow relationships
dancingtubesock: i mean not saying that her and seth is shallow
dancingtubesock: but its like....i dont know
dancingtubesock: things like that dont come around for me often
dancingtubesock: and i really really wanted it
dancingtubesock: i mean you saw how happy i was in church that day
incuboyyd: yeah I know
incuboyyd: you were all bright and stuff
dancingtubesock: yeah...
dancingtubesock: sigh.
dancingtubesock: well im just really mad at seth right now
dancingtubesock: i still think he made the wrong decision
dancingtubesock: but i guess no matter who i was id think that because im the one hurting
incuboyyd: yeah
dancingtubesock: i dont know. i just hope him and kim doesnt last forever or anything.i know thats mean. but its too painful.
dancingtubesock: and she doesnt need him. she needs someone like her.
dancingtubesock: yeah like she told this kid that she wants to end up marrying the son of a preacher (shes the daughter of a preacher)
dancingtubesock: i hope she does...and that seth's father isnt a preacher.
dancingtubesock: i dunno. thats just ironic. she wants a son of a preacher but shes with seth whos like tormented by the absence of a father
dancingtubesock: i wonder how he would have felt if she heard him say that
incuboyyd: hmm...me too
dancingtubesock: probably like crap
dancingtubesock: for some reason, in my mind i have always seen myself marrying someone like seth
dancingtubesock: im not just saying that cause im not over him yet
dancingtubesock: like...i knew ultimately that things between me andjon wouldnt work out. he's just too perfect.
dancingtubesock: i cant see myself in a family like that.
dancingtubesock: for some reason i picture my husband this skinny, intelligent, white guy with slightly effeminate features and glasses. i dont know why
incuboyyd: ha ha
incuboyyd: yeah I can see that
dancingtubesock: and they have had something traumatic that happened tto them in the past
dancingtubesock: and i dont know. its not like i find guys like that like the hottest or anything
incuboyyd: yeah I was going to say you and seth fit well
incuboyyd: you both like...for some reason seem to have a similar philosophy on life
dancingtubesock: yeah
dancingtubesock: i think we do
dancingtubesock: but i think we both have trust issues
dancingtubesock: him moreso then i..and right now thats whats keeping us apart
dancingtubesock: at first i didnt trust that he liked me..and when i finally did. he doubted i liked him as much as kim did
incuboyyd: think that's what it was?
dancingtubesock: lacey had said that a while ago
dancingtubesock: that that may have been part of it
dancingtubesock: and he did tell me that he was worried i only liked him because he liked me
incuboyyd: oh
dancingtubesock: and both of our trust issues kind of kept us from telling each other things about us
dancingtubesock: but i dont know
dancingtubesock: thats why eventually i just want to be his friend
dancingtubesock: so we can be emotionally close and get over all that
dancingtubesock: but right now im just really mad at him
dancingtubesock: it really pissed me off too when he was like "thank you for being so mature about it"
dancingtubesock: its like..wow. fuck you.
dancingtubesock: i was the ONLY person mature in this whole situation
incuboyyd: ha ha ha..I know!
incuboyyd: at that point I would've went off
dancingtubesock: i would have if he wasnt all OK im leaving now
dancingtubesock: what an asshole
incuboyyd: if he was really concerned he could've stuck around
dancingtubesock: yeah
dancingtubesock: that really pissed me off
dancingtubesock: but in a way thats good, cause now im actually really mad at him..which is the start of getting over all this crap
incuboyyd: true
dancingtubesock: haha..did you like my whole "takes my heart, shits on it, and then rips it into a million peices and throw it in the air like confetti" thing?
dancingtubesock: hahahaha
dancingtubesock: it was harsh but it was the only thing that i could compare it to feeling like
incuboyyd: ha ha ha..yeah I did like it
incuboyyd: awww
incuboyyd: my poor amy
dancingtubesock: i kind of wish seth would stumble upon my journal and read it
dancingtubesock: just so he knew all the crap i went through
incuboyyd: heh.yeah
dancingtubesock: im going to officially start getting over it now though
dancingtubesock: ha...at least now im somewhat experienced in getting over stuff. after the jon thing.
dancingtubesock: this is a lot worse though
dancingtubesock: A LOT worse
dancingtubesock: but at least i know the ropes.
dancingtubesock: well last time what caused me to get over it was the cruise
dancingtubesock: and like how i met all those cool people and it made me totally forget about the situation with jon, and it made me feel like a worthwhile person again
dancingtubesock: i mean im sure in every situation what makes you get over it will be different
dancingtubesock: because well this time seth is one of my friends
dancingtubesock: so that wont work this time
incuboyyd: yeah I know
incuboyyd: and if he acts like an ass it will be worse
dancingtubesock: yeah
dancingtubesock: i guess he didnt mean that mature thing like that
dancingtubesock: but wow that was fucked up
dancingtubesock: "thank you for being so mature"
dancingtubesock: its like
dancingtubesock: yeah i just broke your fucking heart, thank you for letting me
dancingtubesock: its like...wow. FUCK YOU.
dancingtubesock: its like...thank you for letting me trivialize you down to six letters.
incuboyyd: ha ha ha
dancingtubesock: if he said that to me in person i may have very well punched him in the face
incuboyyd: that would've been justified
incuboyyd: ha ha..wow..that would've been great
dancingtubesock: like when i punched jon in the face
incuboyyd: you did?
incuboyyd: what??
dancingtubesock: i didnt tell you about that?
dancingtubesock: well he was going on about how he had a beautiful model face or something
dancingtubesock: and he was just pissing me off with the whole solange thing
dancingtubesock: so i punched him in the face and hit his jaw
dancingtubesock: and he got kind of mad
dancingtubesock: but i mean he was too stupid to be REALLY mad
incuboyyd: ha ha ha..I didn't know
dancingtubesock: haha
dancingtubesock: it was glorious
dancingtubesock: god im such a boy
dancingtubesock: i dont slap people
dancingtubesock: i fuckin punch them in the face
incuboyyd: awesome!
incuboyyd: I'm too timid
incuboyyd: I flick people
incuboyyd: and pinch them
dancingtubesock: well im usually timid. but i mean. some people really piss me off
dancingtubesock: i once punched seth in the stomach really hard
dancingtubesock: hahaha and then he got scared of me and hid in cassies bushed
dancingtubesock: *bushes
incuboyyd: well...I slape my girl friends on the shoulder
dancingtubesock: that was before we knew eachother really well
dancingtubesock: because he was like...youre creepy
dancingtubesock: and i was just sitting there
dancingtubesock: and he kept on calling me creepy
dancingtubesock: so i didnt say anything and then all of a sudden i just punched him in the stomache and knocked the wind out of him
dancingtubesock: so he KNOWS i can punch hard
incuboyyd: ha ha ha!
incuboyyd: dude that's great
incuboyyd: I want you to punch me one day
dancingtubesock: haha no you dont
incuboyyd: you do hit hard. when you bump me in church I fall over all the time
dancingtubesock: laceys like "youre FISTS OR FURY"
dancingtubesock: hahaha
dancingtubesock: its cause i have all this unreleased anger
dancingtubesock: i once punched megan jokingly and she couldnt move her arm for a couple days..
dancingtubesock: i mean she could but she kept on complaining about how much it hurt
incuboyyd: ha ha ha
incuboyyd: ha ha ha
dancingtubesock: i can only hit someone hard wheni mean it though
dancingtubesock: if someones like "hit me", its not that hard
incuboyyd: well then nm. I don't want to be punched. just tell people you did. I want to be cool.
dancingtubesock: haha
dancingtubesock: want to join the ranks of jon, megan, and seth?
dancingtubesock: hahaha
dancingtubesock: cause theyre all soooo cool
dancingtubesock: oh and amanda and lacey..i think ive hit them before too
dancingtubesock: i once threw a water bottle at lacey and it left a mark
incuboyyd: yep..no..because you are. it's like a rank of status to be punched by you (wow)
dancingtubesock: cause she was REALLY pissing me off, she kept calling me a hindu whore
incuboyyd: wow
dancingtubesock: she thinks its really funny but to me its not
dancingtubesock: and it brings back bad memories cause in 6th grade there was this guy i really liked
incuboyyd: I don't think it is either
dancingtubesock: and one day he got mad at me and called me a hindu whore
dancingtubesock: and she was all "hahaha thats so funny"
dancingtubesock: but i mean..coming from someone you have a crush on, it hurts even more
dancingtubesock: so yeah. it really pissed me off
dancingtubesock: lacey kept complaining about how violent i was and cassie was just like "well you deserved it!"
dancingtubesock: haha
incuboyyd: yeah
dancingtubesock: but now she doesnt say that anymore
dancingtubesock: or if she does she'll like try to and then run away
dancingtubesock: cause she knows if she comes in contact with me...it will hurt.
dancingtubesock: lacey can be an idiot sometimes.
dancingtubesock: i mean shes cool
dancingtubesock: but sometimes..its just like..wow.
dancingtubesock: like "you have no right to be mad"
dancingtubesock: whatever the fuck.
incuboyyd: bitch
incuboyyd: maybe she just...I don't know. some people aren't in touch with other people's feelings
dancingtubesock: i just think its cause she hasnt really gone though much emotional crap lately. i mean she has, but not in comparison of how it used to be. she has her friends, and she has dave now
dancingtubesock: so she kind of forgets how it is to be unstable
dancingtubesock: shes not totally out of touch with peoples feelings i guess, cause she understood early on about how id be upset, and she was mad at seth for it
dancingtubesock: but i mean..yeah maybe this whole thing has gotten old to her. but it always takes a long time for anyone to get over something like this
dancingtubesock: she cant expect me to be over it in like a week.
incuboyyd: yeah
incuboyyd: true
dancingtubesock: its just different when you have that
dancingtubesock: she has dave
dancingtubesock: thats stable
dancingtubesock: i dont really have anything stable like that
dancingtubesock: i think lacey kind of forgets how it feels exactly
dancingtubesock: to get your heart broken
incuboyyd: yeah
dancingtubesock: but i got over the jon thing..i know ill get over this.
dancingtubesock: although this is worse
dancingtubesock: but with the jon thing, it was my first like..i dunno. but yeah. and i got over it. so i know ill get over this.
incuboyyd: you will
incuboyyd: with time
dancingtubesock: but at the same time like in the back of my mind i really feel like somehow me and seth were meant to be together
dancingtubesock: but maybe thats just how it would feel with anyone i got that close to
dancingtubesock: its just weird also cause he was like...like the day he told me he "chose kim" or maybe a couple days after, i was like...i think that if we got to know each other as friends and got comfortable around each other, we could really really like one another..and he was all "YEAH i know!" and "many people who are friends for a while end up together, i mean i cant tell the future"
dancingtubesock: i just hope that we can get over all this crap some day soon and start an actual friendship
incuboyyd: yeah. but I think there might have been something there

so yeah. thats a summation of everything. haha. lately i havent been really writing any entries have i? just posting conversations with people. well..yeah. I think im starting to get over it. Today when i saw them together, I tried to smile. And i said hi to him and everything, in as non-awkward a way as i could muster. I started listening to jimmy eat world again, like how i did before i started to really like seth a lot, just to try to get me in my old frame of mind somehow. I'll get over it. I'm going to try to not talk about it anymore either. everything that had to be done is done. now i just have to wait for everything to get back to normal. But, i do want to be friends with seth. Better friends then we were before all this. Because we did get to know each other a bit in the process, and although he hurt me I do like him as a person. Although it will take me awhile to completely not be mad at him, im just looking at the big picture. But somehow i feel eventually everything will be okay.

okay. that is the end of that. for now at least.

So yesterday I drove back from church and on my way i went through the drive through of McDonalds and got myself a big kids meal. I was hoping for an incredibles toy, but i got a sonic the hedgehog videogame, which is almost cooler. So that made me happy. Really who would have thought ten years ago that i'd be gettin a video game in my happy meal? the world is craazy.

4:07 p.m. - 2004-12-06

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