compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the world is ugly so yeah. this is getting really stupid and shitty and old. well at least everyone is relatively happy, except for, well, me. Apparently seth and kim hung out yesterday and now theyre "unofficially unofficial"..which pretty much means...yeah. I guess im happy that theyre happy, in an abstract sense. I feel really selfish for being this pissed off and angry about it..But then again, maybe i should feel selfish for breathing and denying someone else that oxygen, or eating where as people in starving countries can't. In other words, I really cant help it. I hope my plan works. What im fearing, is that it will backfire and we'll never talk to each other really again. I don't know if he even cares that I exist anymore. Well according to lacey he does. I dont know. I hate the whole "whats meant to be will happen" idea. Because, what about all those people who have died alone with no one? was that meant to be? Sometimes you can't just let things happen. I don't know. I just don't want to die alone. I know thats harsh, and im only 17. I know I'm cynical and jaded. But i dont know. Then again, I was worried about jon and solange in the summer, about how hurt i was going to be when they got married or something. But yeah, thats not happening, at least as far as now is concerned. I don't think either of them would do that, and really if they did i've thought about it so much that I wouldnt care I dont think. So, my point is, regardless of how hopeful or cynical I FEEL, it is somewhat comforting that I have no idea what will happen, regardless of how i feel. I guess...Sort of. this just hurts a lot. What I just hate is that both of them are like "oh i don't want to hurt you so its not going to happen" But like at the same time...it really is happening. They can't act like they care about me that much and then go and do the opposite. It just makes them look really...I don't know. I'm not saying that they shouldnt go out, its just that them saying that they wont because they care about me, and then actually going out, makes me feel that they really don't care about me at all. today just made me feel really shitty on a few levels. Mainly the seth thing. But also, Diana was telling me about how she saw one of her old friends from middle school the other day. And how now she has a son, and she speaks in a drawl virtually unreproducable. ha. So yeah..That just bothered me a little. That people I knew even vaguely as a kid are now out there in the ugly world. The world is so fucking ugly sometimes. And then Melissa, who i was really close to in middle school, and a little bit of high school, dropped out. Neither of her parents let her live with them, so she had to pay rent and thus work full time to pay it, so she dropped out. Well a few people don't trust her story because she's also a pathological liar. And morgan, one my best childhood friends...I heard from wendy about how one day this past summer morgan called her randomely, like after at least 5 years not speaking to her since she moved, and they ended up hanging out. Morgan told her about how she got kicked out of her house because she was a bad influence on her brother, and lived in a group home for a little while. And how she got caught for drug posession or something and got sent to juvi. And now she has some weird boyfriend who constantly called her, and who wendy described their relationship as "sickening". ha. i mean i think wendy finds a lot sickening. But I guess I could see where she was going with this. And I dont know. Just my predisposition for depression because of the seth situation added to it, and it made me really sad that some of my childhood friends have sort of...been taken over by the ugly world. well not like the one girl from middle school was my friend..But still. I don't know. It just bothered me. So in a way not talking to seth for a week is kind of like emotional suicide. Its like, I wont talk to you so you can forget about me enough to not feel bad about kim, while you and kim get together and kill me. But at least someones happy I guess. We will see what will happen. Life is fucking crazy, and the world is ugly. 5:31 p.m. - 2004-12-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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