compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The bordello So yeah. Today I woke up at 3 30. I had some weird nightmare, and i couldn't go back to sleep. I don't exactly remember what happened, but just that it was worth not falling asleep again to experience. I think it had something to do with someone taping me saying like some weird deep dark secret, and then they played it for everyone I even vagueley knew. I don't know..It was something like that. And I don't know why it was enough to have me not be able to fall asleep again for..Well I officially got out of bed at 4 30 and got ready to go out for black friday, cause my dvd player broke and i needed a new one but didnt feel like spending like 100 bucks. So we waited out in the cold for a while at sears, and then we finally got in and got two dvd players, and waited in line and after about an hour of confusion, we finally got what we wanted. Then like my mom wandered off and then told me about how *I* wandered off and lost her, although from what I had last seen her, I was in the same exact place. Ugh. whatever. So I come home and finally get to enjoy a working dvd player for the first time in a month or so. So then Seth picks me up to see the Incredibles and we stop by his house for a little bit, because his friend joe was pickin us up from there and stuff. Meanwhile, he called Kim back because apparently she called in the 15 minutes he was away to pick me up or whatever. I dunno. I really am trying to not dislike the fact that he chose kim and to not dislike kim, but its really hard. I thought it was kind of shitty that he'd have to go and call her when I was right there, especially after his "decision". She asked him something about spending Christmas eve together or something. Well, fuck. That's not fair. The thing that annoys me with kim, and did even before he made his "decision", is that she really thought of this thing like a competition. Whenever I was around and Seth gave me even the slightest attention, she would get all pissy at him. I guess he sees that as her liking him more or something. The reality of it is that when I see her and seth together I want to cry and just dissapear and forget about ever liking Seth altogether. But I don't do anything about it..Why? Because I respect him. I think its really shitty to just be all huffy about something like that. I mean I guess that's what he wants. I guess its really *my* flaw. Well, I never said anything to seth about it being rude. Like, for example, Kim called seth last weekend (last saturday when all the stuff happend) and asked if she could come with us to the movies. I mean..I guess its not that bad. But if I knew Kim and him were going to go to the movies with some friends I don't think I'd try to invite myself, out of respect. I was thinking about how the whole situation worked out, and Seth saw me and could tell I was sad, and he thought I had talked to joe's girlfriend about it or something. Yeah..hm..no. I mean shes cool but I hardly know her and I'm not the type to like start talking to a complete stranger about how everything sucks right now. On another note, the Incredibles was an awesome movie. It made me happy for the time being. Both seth and joe and i agreed that it made us want to have superpowers. So yeah, on the drive home Seth and I got talking about how he doesnt know that much about me, and I told him its cause he didn't ask. Then he's like..well why do I have to ask? I told him that I just felt that he didn't care so I didn't tell him. Like, when he looked more closely at my class ring today, he noticed that I had tennis on it. He had no idea I was even on the tennis team. Not that im like terribly good or anything, but it just shows how much he knows. What I'm planning to do is sometime soon, either today or sometime before the end of the weekend, call him and tell him important things about myself to help him understand me I guess. Like why I don't trust people, or why I'm so easily hurt, and my family background. I dunno. He was going on about how he really does care in the car, and how its because im his "friend". I guess I am, but I don't know if he wants me to be his friend just cause he feels sorry for me or something. We did talk a little about things, just about my situation with my car, which led to how my mom isnt letting me be slightly independent despite the fact im 17. I told him that she really is like that a lot, and how she often mistakes me for younger then I really am, even though she should know the own age of her daughter, and how i think its because I'm short or something. I dunno. Then he was like "yeah i guess its hard to treat someone a certain way if they don't fit the part.." WTF is that supposed to mean? I really need to ask him.. So yeah. That was my day. Seth is a really nice guy for everything he's doing, even though he ripped out my heart. I just can't tell if he's doing it out of pity or something. I just have that paranoia, and i think i had the same fear even when he had told me he liked me and before he chose kim. Choosing kim just sort of confirmed my suspicions. I dunno. So then I came home and watched moulin rouge and cried because i'm stupid like that. "You're free to leave me 5:42 p.m. - 2004-11-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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