compie's Diaryland Diary

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one thousand times in my head

the world has turned
and left me here
just where I was
before you appeared
and in your place
an empty space
has filled the void
behind my face
I just made love
to your sweet memory
one thousand times in my head
you said you loved it more then ever..
you said..

..I talked for hours
to your wallet photograph
and you just listened
enchanted by my intellect
or maybe, you didnt
you remain turned away, turning further everday.

-weezer.

yeah. So you all can guess what happend. The day after the kiss, I talk to seth. He said that lacey really wanted him to make a decision, because it was unfair to do this to both me and K. so yeah. He decided to choose K. He also told me that he still romantically likes me and wants to be my friend, but now i'm just having trouble beleiving anything. I don't think i've cried that much over anything in a long time. What I don't understand, is how could he give me the impression that he was going to choose me, and then at the last minute he "thinks about it" and chooses K. Lacey and Dave told him that they thought him and I would make more sense, since we get along better and have more in common. Most of what happened saturday night was initiated by him. He also told me that he had a lot of fun and would do it again if he could. But then how could he not "choose" me? I wasn't even aware this was a contest..

So we all have different theories. Lace thinks that he chose K because shes most likely to go away to college, and he knows the relationship, if there is one, will end, but at least it won't end on bad terms. Also, if he regrets his decision, I'll always be there to let him change his mind. So yeah. I guess that makes sense. Randhal, after telling her what all happened, thinks it may be because he likes me more, but since he's so afraid of getting attatched and getting hurt, he feels less potential to get as hurt if he just goes out with K. But I dunno. It just hurts. A lot. I hate when things like this always happen around the holidays.

Well I do still want to be his friend. So I wrote him a reconciliatary note, and he told me he really appreciated it. We're going to work on being friends first, because I think another reason why he chose her is because they knew each other as friends first and thus he's more comfortable with her. So maybe if we become friends first we'd be more comfortable around each other. I was pretty comfortable on saturday though..he held my hand, and we were tangled on the couch watching a nightmare before christmas. And I seriously just could have fallen asleep and died and it wouldn't have mattered.
But I guess thats over for now.

I just don't see it. him and kim don't have anything in common really, and he thinks that she'll be able to help him solve his problems. I really don't see how. I really wish I could make all the stupid shit that has happened to him disappear.

So yeah. It'll be weird just being friends, because I felt like I was starting to get closer to him in the context of a romantic relationship. Now i'll have to get close to him in a different context. I dunno. It's just weird dynamics. I'll try though, and im sure eventually itll work out somehow.

It's just..ouch.

1:17 p.m. - 2004-11-25

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