compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- why you wanna go and do me like that yeah...sorry about the lock up (to anyone who even reads this thing)..I hate locking it, but my stepmom was saying the other day about how i "wrote about how i hated her" or something like that. I dont know where she'd see anything about me writing anything unless it was from here, although I never even recall ever writing that. Although I hate how I can't say what I want to half the time, and i really hope she doesnt read this because its all my business. Yeah, its online, but I only expect/want my friends and strangers to read it. Anyone else is just..creepy. and should never happen. I can tolerate teachers reading it I guess. but DEFINETTELY never my parents. oh god. anyways..Yeah. about that. My dad finally secured me a car (:D!) that ill be getting maybe sometime next week. I think she's angry about that. She hasnt been particularly mean to me or said anything about it, but she seems so forced and fake and its just making me uncomfortable. I hate haveing to reciprocate that, and if anything I'm just going to try to avoid her. I have to be at their house from yesterday until sunday. bleeh. I mean i really like my dad, and veena can be ok, but lately its been really strained. And im never good at communication with anyone, so i don't know how to handle it. I'm not the type of person who can just go up to her and tell her how i feel about things. one, cause she'll tell me about how im wrong and selfish (in so many words), and then two cause she'll be like pissed off about it for a month or so. ufodhoifjosijdf. blah. The other day she was yelling at my dad about me, and was saying that basically if i hate her, then she hates me too. But like..when the hell did i ever say that. I wasnt even up yet. The yelling woke me up. What could i have POSSIBLY done before waking up to piss her off. Well, right now im in my home, which i have realized is a lot more comfortable and appreciated by me then i would normally think. Going to school from my dad's house today just made me feel uprooted into a weird environment. Im really glad im home, even if its just gonna be for an hour more or so. And plus, i just want to cry.. Seth is just weird. Like..As far as what he's told me, if he had to pick between me and Kim he would choose me, but he has to get to know me better just so he's more comfortable around me. And now i really really really like him. We hung out on tuesday and went to the mall. It was really..Nice. He's "reluctant" to go out with anyone though because he doesnt want it to end badly. And then theres this mess with Kim. I really like Kim and i dont want to hate her or her to hate me, so I dont know. I also really really really like Seth. What makes me mad about this situation is that while he knew kim liked him and he didnt dislike her, he invited me into this big mess. He told me he liked me first. If that wasnt initiated, i wouldnt have gotten to know him better and I probably wouldnt have liked him back. Thats of course not the only reason I like him. I guess I could go on about that but that would just make this entry too long. But then now, when after he knows that we may be getting attatched, he tells me hes very reluctant and that he doesnt want to hurt me, so to avoid that what he does in relationships is become really mean to the person he's about to get involved with. And that hes going to become really mean to me soon and that its probably not a good idea for me to like him. Okay? So i asked him if he stopped liking me or something, or if he's just making excuses, and he said no, which seemed pretty genuine. But he also told me that maybe if we hang out more and he gets more comfortable then maybe he wont be like that. Its just so ambiguous and weird and a mess and it makes me want to cry. WHY DID HE HAVE TO BRING ME INTO IT IF HE KNEW HE WAS GOING TO DO THIS ALL ALONG? I mean..He likes me first. So it doesnt make any sense. But I guess hopefully itll still be something..in time. I just..I dunno. I really need to talk to him. But i dont know what to say. I could sum it up in the lyrics of Weezer's El Scorcho, but that doesnt really get into things. Whatever. haha. I dont make sense. I know. Its just like..Someone gets you addicted to something, and then theyre the same person who wants you to quit cold turkey because itll hurt you. I dont know. ugh. I just really like him. And this sucks. A lot. Yesterday night i was on the phone with him and then my stepmom needed the phone..which was kind of annoying since i asked if i could be on the phone and maybe was on for a total of 20 minutes. And seth and I were beginning to discuss all this, and then shes like wah wah i need the phone. ugh... So now i just don't know what to think about anyone or anything. I really just want to talk to him. Thinking about it makes me cry. 4:34 p.m. - 2004-11-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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