compie's Diaryland Diary

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welcome to my life

it's official. I am depressed. ha. well maybe not. but i feel really shitty for a bunch of reasons too stupid for it to be possibly justified. I've been looking at pictures of older people or seeing older people and noticing their crows feet, their laugh lines, and noticing that often when i am unaware i make a bitter face that leaves lines between my eyebrows, the scowl lines. I really am trying to smile more, even if im not happy, because laugh lines look so much more graceful and friendly then scowl lines do. But i can't help it anymore. I just can't. Right now, I am a bitter person. I have no idea why really. Okay, maybe I do. Coming from my summer environment and back to school is like coming out of the mothers womb (or something). Its so easy and great when youre inside, and then you come to the cold bright harsh stark reality of a world, and all you can do is cry your eyes out. And then you get spanked repeatedly. Yeah. that sucks. That's how I feel. hahahha. shitty analogy, I know. School is just..yeah. Everyone is all telling me how much better my senior pictures look then how i look in everyday life (thanks???). All my friends that i meet in the summer don't think that at all, or at least havent said it. Unless "those are good pictures" definettely means im uglier in real life. My point is, that i look much better when im not stressed out and depressed, and im not stressed out and depressed when I'm not in school. Its hard for me to give a shit about how I look when I have no one to impress, no ones going to notice (boys OR my "friends"), and no one really cares. I get reminded everyday by this asshole but funny and slightly gay kid, that I am "a mess" and a "train wreck". I've been considering changing this. Maybe if I got up a little earlier, tooka shower in the morning instead of at night, straightened my hair, wore a little makeup, matched and acessorized myself like all the other senior girls in my classes, that maybe I would look more like my senior pictures. I really cant handle any of that right now though. I am too pissed off and preoccupied thinking about how worthless I am, as well as trying to get some sleep (probably too much, but its better then doing nothing), and eating and doing homework in, to really put any serious effort in the makeup clothes and hair thing.

And the SATs are coming up soon too. I really need to study. But i find myself busy a lot. Busy doing nothing, I dont know. Because i never really get anything done but im always too busy to get anything done. Maybe thats just means im a slacker and a procrastinator, I don't know.

On the brighter side, today was ok. In school Shawn was there, who graduated last year. I miss seeing the old seniors. So he was just like awww its ammy. yeah. and i gave him a hug. Cause even though he had his times of sucking, he was generally pretty cool, and i really miss the class of 04. So that was nice. lunch was pretty okay too. And I got a ride home from K today. I thought she'd be all bitchy about giving me a ride since shes part of the coool kids group, but she seemed fine with it and we even talked in the car. We were planning to go to some place so she could buy something (vague i know, but inconsequential), but she didnt have the money with her. But at least she didnt not ask me at all and then go without me because i am such an annoying person or whatever it is that prevents half the senior class from including me in anything. anyways. But yeah. that was cool, sort of.

and most of my teachers this year are pretty cool. Well, all save one or two, that like to give out work like they have diarhea..of the giving out of pointless work. ha. but yeah, anyways, for the most part they are cool, and a few I've had or knew before, so that makes it better also. but yeah...its really and incredibly sad when all a student says thats good about school is the TEACHERS. haha. well no, i do like some kids, of course. And i do have some friends..we just dont get to hang out that often. which sucks.

So I also went to Johns Hopkins today for an eye test, my optometrist has a new place there. Which makes him seem really QUALITY, since he's at Johns Hopkins and all. Ha, I also realized that I've actually been legally blind for a while. Which I think it pretty hilarious. I don't really care anymore though. I know a lot of legally blind kids. I was reading a pamphlet on the bulliten there about depression, and it was like "do you eat a lot more/less then usual? do you sleep a lot more/less then usual? do you have constant feelings of worthlessness? do you not enjoy the things you once loved?" hahahahahaaaa. thats so me. which is why I arrived at my above conclusion.

I have a bit of homework, and I havent started yet. I guess I should get crackin. or something. meh. eirisudr.

7:32 p.m. - 2004-09-23

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