compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- rise into the street So..yeah. This weekend and week was a lot better then last. The day after my last entry, on sunday, veena finally came back home and had a "talk" with my dad and she was still pissed off about it. So then she comes home and helps him cook a little bit, then is all like "ill eat later" and goes upstairs. So we have like "assigned seats" or some stupid crap like that in the kitchen..i have this corner seat right on top of the airduct thing, so its the most uncomfortable, but thats not too much of a problem since im only there every other weekend and it would make sense then to give me the most uncomfortable seat. So anyways, since she said she would eat later, i sat in her chair and ate. Then she came downstairs and said how i "make everyone feel like a stranger in their own house, everyone, and how i don't respect anyone, especially [veena], and how she cant expect me to anyways because I don't even respect my own mother" yeah. okay. what the fuck. and then she complains about how Im in her chair when she said she wasnt even going to eat anytime soon. ugh. i was so pissed off. I packed in like 5 minutes and walked out of the house and just waited for my dad by his car and then finally he came out to drive me home. And on the way i just started to cry really hard. It was just a load of everything and everyone and i was tired of smiling and dealing with it as if there was nothing wrong. I just wanted to tell her fuck you, but i couldn't, and i don't know why. I think it would have totally been something called for and something any rational person would think that she deserved, in this situation. And i wanted to, but i couldnt. She thinks im this meek person i guess. and for some reason i don't want to prove her wrong, even though i know i should. So anyways then my dad tells her about how i was balling the whole way home and then she calls and is all "blah blah blah im sorry" ugh. so i just hung up on her and she calls back like 7 times in a row. and then my dad calls and is all "pick up the phone when veena calls because she wants to apologize"..Yeah..no shit. so anyways i was getting tired of it and i was still upset so i just picked up, and then she was all "youre depressed you cant be crying about just this" and then she drives down to my house to "talk" to me. ugh. Like i guess its cool that she is (trying to care) and all, but it was just like..the last person i felt like talking to at the moment. anyway so she comes and parks in some parking lot and we "talk" but nothing is solved. She says how she gets the impression that i don't like her and i told her that i get the same thing and she's all "well then i guess its mutual!" yeah..okay. thats effective. I don't hate her, i just feel like she doesnt like me so its hard to talk to her when i feel like shes picking apart and judging every word i say. she thinks im like this dark, highly intelligent person or something. Im not like that at all. I mean yeah im cynical and stuff, but she thinks i listen to heavy metal and ponder about nietzche or something..no.. It just shows you how much she knows me. And then she told me basically about how she likes sarina more when i mentioned it (she didnt deny it but basically said that its "unfair to compare the two relationships", well then if its so unfair then maybe you should stop comparing every single thing i do to her. ugh.). Sarinas a cool girl and one of my friends so i really didnt want her to be pulled in this argument, but still..its..ugh. but anyways, thats how that went. She kept on asking me what was wrong, so i told her vaguely about how i lost a few of my friends because they all do drugs now, and how the boy that i used to go out with last year came back and changed. actually thats about all i told her about either of those things, and its not really 10% of what really sucks about either of those situations. I mean, i dunno. so yeah shes all "well those are normal teenage problems and you just have to learn how to deal with them." okay..thanks. whatever. I was just happy when she dropped me home. But anyway, that was last week. This week im just like..well fuck everything. And i just sit here and laugh at myself. All this crap will come and go i guess. but yeah. So anyways..that week i saw the notebook with megan and amanda. It was really good, kind of reminded me of jon in a lot of ways..So that kinda sucked. The ending was actually more happy then sad. But it kind of made me happier about the jon situation in a way..Its hard to explain, you'd have to see the movie and know the situation really to get why. But anyways, then the next day i hung out with megan again. my mom wasnt gonna let me go until i argued with her about it for a while, and that kinda pisses me off. like if im nice and polite nothing ever goes my way, basically i have to fight for the right to do ANYTHING, and then i feel like a brat. But anyways, i got to go, and we just drove around and went to toys r us like old times. Theres this guy that works there that looks a little like kurt cobain..hahaha. So me and meg were all like....:D haha. anyways, yeah. that was pretty fun. So this weekend was my dad's weekend again. I was kind of feeling crappy about that, i didnt want a repeat episode of last weekend. This weekend was waaay better though, mostly due to the fact that veena and i went to sarina and rohan's saturday morning, and slept over there and were there till sunday night. It was awesome, and it was just what i needed, a vacation from all the crap and people around here. I told sarina about all the crap, and she made me feel a lot better about everything. Even though i didnt want to talk about it anymore, i told her about the jon situation, and i think she gave me some advice that at least sat well with me. She wasnt all "just get over it" and understood what i meant when i told her about how getting over it would be almost like forgetting about it or giving him the permission to entirely get over me, and i didnt want to do that. I don't know exactly what im gonna do about that, but i'm just going to give it time. a lot of time i guess. He imed me the other day like "fuck you..no, fuck me"..and im like..what the hell. so i told him he could fuck himself and he said that he'll try, and then he was like..ok bye (he apparently just got online for that..?), and i told him to call me sometime, and he said "ok"..so yeah..whatever. ill just give him time i guess..But ANYWAYS, i told her about that and she was the first person who at least partially understood and listened, so it was cool. I told her about the veena situation also, about how she likes her more then me and all. And sarina knew where i was coming from with that too, and actually listened and wasnt like all on veenas side or anything. Like she understood how i felt and stuff, and while explaining it to her i think i got to the root of everything: veena has absolutely no faith in me whatsoever. With Sarina and her brother, the things veena likes about them so much are the things that are just products of thier environment. They are part of high society, i'm not really. So, theyre sociable with adults because theyve been raised that way, and theyre busy with a lot of things because their parents take them to those. So really no matter how hard i tried i could never be like that, and i shouldn't have to be. Which is basically what sarina told me herself. Its hard to explain. I dunno, and i don't feel like writing about it here, but anyways I told sarina about everything (things other then that too) and it was nice to finally get everything off of my chest. phew. hah. And it was nice not to spend like entire days in isolation also. Like my mom leaves me home alone mondays tuesdays and wednesdays. Id rather it of course then her actually being here because then she just gets annoying and asks me every five seconds "what im doing". ugh. but yeah, and then at veenas and dads they leave me home alone a lot. Maybe thats a bit of the problem too. I'm always stuck in the house with no one around and nothing to do. Like, i was pretty happy in general at sarinas, and then when i came home and woke up this morning all the old feelings were feeling like they were trying to set in again, and yeah. but i tried to avoid it and called randhal today, and that made me feel a little better. I don't know, maybe i can remedy this when i finally get my lisence and car. I mean, hopefully. So in the morning i just thought about every single person i knew and liked, and that made me feel a lot better. Which is kind of random, yeah. I just need to get out of here more often. I hate being the only child and having to sit alone doing nothing all the time. I mean its better in a way then hanging out with my mom because then i have to be careful what i say because everything she uses against me somehow..but yeah. ugh. So im working on trying to not let this all get to me. I need to read all my summer reading books anyway, since on the 22nd im going on that cruise and im coming back a day or so before school starts. meeh. but yeah..Sometimes when things get ridiculously bullshit and stupid, you just have to step back and laugh at everything and how much is sucks. But its not really so bad, at least right now i guess. I'm sure all this crap will work itself out. 4:08 p.m. - 2004-08-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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