compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- will you still love me tomorrow so today i did basically nothing. I was bored and restless and wished i was out climbing a mountain or swimming in some river or sitting down at some park or just with someone i really liked..but i was alone all day. meh. I called jon. Which was a releif. His phone kind of broke up though, and he called me in the evening, but then that phone kind of died on him/me too. Apparently the other girl had also called him today. I have no idea what we are, and i dont have a clue what him and the other girl are either. I just don't know. But today I looked over my past saved aim conversations with him, back from a while ago. Well some were from relatively recently. That put me at ease a little bit. Until my mom came in and i had to close it real fast, and then she demanded to know if i had "learned to pray" at the commission..What kind of self righteous question is that. She really has no right to demand a synopsis of my relationship with God, because it is mine and mine alone. She's so critical of everything and it really gets on my nerves. I had told her about how we all pulled an all nighter on the last day to fix up the house and then when she came in she's all out of the blue "did you go to actually do anything or did you go to talk to jon"..ok. what an asshole question. I cleaned the kitchen, i went over there to help. And even if I didnt (I did), why the hell would i be like "yes mom, i went over there to talk to jon. then we had sex." ha. what the hell does she want me to say. ugh. and then she yelled at me because my room is messy and instead of "cleaning other people's homes" i should be cleaning up my room and giving away things i don't need anymore and blah blah blah. so of course she had to ruin the breif moment of self comfort i had just obtained. My room isnt even that messy. I have been busy for the past two or three weeks. It's so stupid that she comes in and picks a fight about nothing when all day she's been quiet and minding her own. thats what i really hate about her. Well I'm glad its only monday, she wont be home for most of tomorrow and the day after. Good. "What were you doing all day?" "sleeping.." i wasnt even sleeping. i didnt know what to tell her. i was sitting around doing nothing. there is nothing to do because i can't drive. I can't drive because she won't take me out to drive. But i can't tell her that. that's a whole nother arguement. so anyway, then it becomes... "you were sleeping all day because you were on the internet all night." actually no i wasn't, but way to jump to stupid conclusions. It's just dumb. I'm quitting that job. I can't take all this crap from everyone all the time, or i'll just kill myself. There are a few things that do make me happy, but I wish they were still around. Maybe they are, maybe they arn't. The uncertainty is better then a definite void, but it also kind of sucks. The only thing I feel like i know i have right now is God. 11:25 p.m. - 2004-07-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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