compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i'm not you I feel like my soul is being tried at every turn. I don't know whether to be angry at myself or everyone else. All I know is that no one is on my side. No one. My friends have changed. All they care about now is how to be popular and how to smoke weed. Potheads don't bother me unless theyre doing it to be social or "cool". This is about 95% of all of those kids I know. Hell. My best friend who used to say how she admired the fact that i dont feel the need to do drugs to be cool, she's planning to go to this guy's house to smoke up sometime this weekend. I don't think its necessarily wrong to smoke, just to abuse it or be fake about it. This really bothers me. The only other people who it really bothers are all the "christians" at my church, but apparently im not "at their level" yet or something. I've heard 3 people in the church who don't know each other well enough to have had a conversation about this say the same exact thing. Apparently im not religious or Godly enough because I curse or because i disagree with some of the Pastor's sermons, or because I don't beleive in the Bible word for word. It really unsettles me when i hear this because basically what it feels like is that everything that I have ever laid my foundation upon is wrong. I mean, this is what I beleive. If I have different views im not seen as disagreeing, im seen as wrong. It makes me feel that maybe even God doesnt understand me. Honestly, I dont think thats true, but it really gets me thinking and worrying when i hear about how im a bad seed in church. And then theres family friends on my dad's side, who are mostly agnostic and athiest. I respect that, although I don't beleive in it. I can't say either way if theyr going to hell or heaven, but really its not my place to judge in the first place. Anyway I am always left to defend my beleifs with them, and try to tell them that im not a maintstream right wing christian. This isnt even about religion so much as it is with whats good and whats bad. I feel as if whatever the truth is, I have no idea what it is. I mean what I think is true, I'm being told about 3 different stories about how its a lie. And each story is conflicting. It just makes me feel terribly alone. And socially im torn apart too, then left alone to rot. Everyone's part of a clique that I used to be a part of, but apparently im not important enough to give any real notice to. Don't invite me to your party, im not important. If someone else calls, just leave, im not important. Or just skip town and say that you feel "numb", then go do pot like you said you wouldnt. The fact that you were the only person who understood half of what I say doesnt matter. Just leave. I'm nothing. People really dissapoint me. 5:58 p.m. - 2003-12-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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