compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i wish i could lie hey man oh man..Today amanda (holtzner) comes up to me and is all WHAT ABOUT ALL THAT SHIT ABOUT ME IN YER DIARY. Im just like..hmm..what the hell is she talking about. And she cites march somethingth or somethin. She said i said that shes a really bad tennis player, and i was talking about edna and everybody. So, i went back and read it. I think i said something like "i sucked today in tennis, i was even worse then amanda holtzner" So now shes really mad. Yeah, she has the right to be, whatever. But I dont think shes a really bad tennis player anymore, cause i dont really dislike her anymore. At the same time though, im not going to take back anything i said. It is MY diary after all. Not only that, but whatd my last entry say? It said that i love everyone on the team. I guess she didnt even really read most of this. But hm. yeah. Whatever. It was more weird for me that someone I hardly know read something of mine.. I mean, i do give out my journal address to some people, and i dont mind complete strangers looking at it..but its really really weird when someone i kind of know reads it. Like when them walker twins started reading it, or when andy read it. I just dont like it. Yeah..I guess its cause i try to be honest in here about everything, and i really dont want many people to know how i really am. I guess it didnt surprise amanda at all that the last sentence in the entry was "i want to shoot myself in the head" cause i mean, she probably just read that one sentence about her. But..hm. yeah. I was reading some of my back entries, even recent ones, and they sound so fucking stupid. Everything i write sounds trite and cheap and unmeaningful a day later. Like that last entry. Ugh. heh. Brandon. oh man. Brandon..heh. He told me last monday that he thinks im "pretty, and smart enough" and blah blah blah but he just cant get involved with me because im his little sister's best friend. that im "extended familiy", and that would just be fucked up. I guess hes right. I mean, I shouldve seen that coming. I dont know how i even am letting myself and have let myself like him. I should have figured that out before all this.. But i dunno. What kind of pisses me off is that, why didnt he tell me that a long long time ago? i mean, he could have said it more simply and without any problems the day he met me. But no. He didnt. He just made me like him even more. My friends think that thats cause he probably likes me but doesnt want to fuck anything up. And, id like to beleive that, so i guess i will. Ive still felt pretty shitty ever since that day though. Everyone else i know is falling in love with each other and getting kissed and getting everything that theyve been waiting for for so long, except me. There must be a reason. Well, fuck it. People suck and i hate them. It seems like for some reason what he said also jinxed me with amanda (finnigan of course). I havent seen her at all since that day. She wants to hang out with raheel cause she thinks that maybe hell get to like her or something. Its not impossible, but i think she should stop like..asking him why he doesnt like her and trying so hard for him to like her. I dunno, thats kind of what kerry told me, that raheel tells her that she (amanda) gets all psycho when she talks to him. I only beleive in about half of that though. But anyway, shes gonna ditch her friend for a guy. That would suck. I mean, honestly, shes the biggest reason i cant be with brandon. Im not mad at her for that, id rather have a good friend then some guy ill probably break up with eventually anyway, but i mean..If shes gonna ditch ME for a guy, what would have she done in MY situation? she probably would have told brandon that shed stop being such good friends with me or something. I dunno. Anyways, i love amanda and i miss her dammit. I hope i see her soon. God dammit. there are too many people named amanda. Yeah. I got to hang out with nikki last saturday. Shes a cool girl. She was cutting her job at papa johns ("have you seen office space? yeah. im doing that"), and she picked me up and we went to ellicott city. I convinced her to get a descendents cd, and we went to some art gallery with disney cells. We went to the place formerly known as the java house, and ate there. It was nice. Nice is a terrible word, but it really was. Shes a lot less wacky and a lot more subdued then i thought she was, in a good way. Shes pretty cool. Im in love with my sadness. Sing it Billy. Corgan, that is. 2:47 p.m. - 2003-05-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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