compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- \"theres always something\" feels like forever since i wrote. Well..Not really. I mean i dunno. So christmas eve service with seth was somewhat anticlimactic, but my worst fears or anything like that didn't happen, which was releiving. So here were my wishes of what was gonna happen: 1: I'd give seth his present, and he'd give me a card with a note inside telling me what a big mistake he made 2: that i'd end up falling asleep on his shoulder on the way home. 3: that in general our interest in each other would be made known again and somehow he'd tell me that he liked me. pitiful. i know. my worst ideas on what would happen: 1: somehow he would have invited kim and they'd be really annoying together and make me cry..in front of my mom..and my mom would know that i liked him. 2: that he'd ignore me completely and not even sit next to me on the car ride and/or the church procession thankfully, it wasn't like that either. So basically, my mom freaked out on the way there like she always does with any place new to her ("OMG WE ARE LOST!"..when we're not), but we got there finally, gave him his present. He really liked it, and i was releived he didnt already get it for christmas/not like it..or something. but yeah he really liked it. i heard a lot of "amy youre the coolest". hahaha. man oh man. And I got to meet his siblings, which was nice. His sis came with us too, which made it by nature a lot less awkward, and she talked a lot and filled anything that would have otherwise been awkward silence. For the most part, at least. On the way there we talked about random crap, and how im somewhat like daria.."but a toned down version of her..like..if she was a real person." haha. hm. i guess thats a compliment? The actual church service was kind of awkward. like, not the me and seth thing, the actual service. It was like..stand up..sing songs..sit down..other people sing songs..talk about cliche christmas things..stand up..sing more songs..sit down..take offering..stand up and sing more songs. It was like one of those services where the pastor or whoever doesn't know what to do so they make up random crap to fill in a one hour period. but yeah. And then seth would look at me from time to and and if i looked at him, or if he caught me looking at him (which usually wasnt like a "god im obsessed with you" type thing..more of "well youre my friend and youre sitting next to me" type of thing) he would furrow his eyebrows and very seriously ask "what??" as if to be all stand offish..but whatever. I told him how my older cousin's husband is named seth, but that he's a lot cooler then him and therefore the coolest seth i know, and he was telling me i was the coolest amy he knows (probably the only one..ha.). but anyway, so later we were talking about something and he was like.."yeah..you're not cool. but i think you are. thats why you should only hang out with me" haha. okay? but then he's all like WHAT if i even look at him. weirdo. So then the car ride back to seths was nice too. I was kind of tired, and so was he and his sis, and i really had the urge to fall asleep on his shoulder (he had a nice jacket on so i wouldve had a legitimate excuse too)..but i didnt. i let my head go back and he was like.."that looks uncomfortable." that may have been some sort of que to tell me it was ok to fall asleep on him, but i wasnt sure i didnt want to be weird so i didnt. I didn't really get to falling asleep anyway. We all (including his sis) started talking about having a honeymoon on the moon, and how cool that would be, and how big the earth would be from the moon, how many fingers we'd need to visually crush it (4 fingers and a thumb if it was big, and 2 fingers and a thumb if it was smaller.). I reasoned that since the earth is 27 times the size of the moon, that from the moon the earth would look 27 times the size that the moon looks from here..therefore it would be pretty big. I dunno if thats true or not. but yeah. nice pointless conversation. so yeah..then me and my mom went home. On christmas, i think i set an alltime record for myself on how late i woke up. seven fifty. I would wake up way early and run to see what "santa" left me. but now i guess it was kinda just like..eh. whatever. I was surprised though, i mean although i didnt get much things, the things that i did get were for the most part all really nice. And for some reason, on christmas I had a peace in my soul (haha i know..sounds cheesy as hell) that i havent had in forever, and i could finally get a good sleep. I watched some veggietales, and took one of the best naps ever. I think that even though things with me and seth are unresolved, for some reason i have this newfound faith that we will end up together. and if we don't then he's probably not worth it anyway. I mean i know ive been telling myself that for a long time. But for the first time on christmas i finally beleived it. I know im not the greatest person ever or anything, but he's a really big idiot for picking kim, really. Him and I have so much more in common, and i like him so much more geniunely then kim does (maybe thats an unfair assumption, but i know how kim is, and i know how she is also from her good friends, and our summations of her are the same, so i figure i have a pretty good handle on how im thinking the state of her mind is.). Everything he was looking for in a relationship, i want too. So my point being is that if he was too stupid to realize that..then..maybe theres someone exactly like him out there that just..isnt as stupid. Or that he'll eventually figure things out. I mean i know that im not the best girl in the world or anything, but for him i sincerely feel that im better then kim. Not like im BETTER then her. well..i mean i think you get what im saying. So yeah. Anyway, it finally gave me a little much needed peace within myself. Now I sincerelly have faith that things will change. I know they will. I can feel it, seriously. So then christmas evening we had a gettogether at my cousins. It was kind of awkward, but kind of nice, since our family hasnt really gotten together for anything in forever. we just sat around in a circle..and..ate. But it was pretty nice still. My cousins who are all a bit older then me brought all their significant others, probably the people they'll marry. I hope one day that'll be me, that i'll have someone that I can bring to family get togethers, and of course eventually marry. but anyway, so then we watched my cousin's wedding on dvd..she went to india to get married. So needless to say it was..interesting. They had a big neon cross in the church, and like the dvd footage had an hour of closeups of the foliage around the place. And they had like an 8 person marching band at the wedding (???) and some weird mascot thing which was aguy in a neon green mouse/bear mask. yeaaah. we all were like...what the hell. anyway. So then after all that I came home and watched It's a Wonderfull Life. It was the first time i've seen it. It was so good, it made me cry. yeah. but finally i felt relatively okay for the first time in a long time. So then yesterday cassie invited me to sleep over. I cleaned my room and convinced my mom to let me go, even though she gave me this big speech about "not hanging around with boys and respecting my body" (yeah it was definettely me cassie and lacey and her little 3 year old brother vaughn at cassies..yeaaah.). But anyway, I got in trouble today..Long story. I mean im about to get into it. So yeah, i spent the night at cassies. We were starting to have a meaningful conversation, like how people do at sleepovers, but when lacey brought her little brother things went to kind of like "no dont touch that" and blah blah blah. i mean i dont mind little kids..but sometimes you're just not in the mood. Especiallly at a sleepover. I mean it was okay though. We watched the hunchback of notre dame. Which kind of made me cry, because i realized that i kind of feel like a quasimodo a lot. and the whole "situation" between me and seth and kim, even cassie said, was kind of familiar in the plot line. I mean..Not really cause seth at least from what i know "really liked me romantically" or whatever..but i still cant help but feel a little like that, and cry about it. But i mean. I dunno. Cass also told me about an incident she had with seth (he used to have a really big crush on her), and how she wrote a list of all the things that she didn't like about him, and that she'll try to find it for me. haha. I'm not sure how much itll help, but it probably wouldn't hurt. I dunno. But anyway, so lacey asked me if i wanted to go see a series of unfortunate events with them today, and i said yes cause my mom said be back before she gets home from work anyway (which would have left plenty of time). But then we also had the complication which was her three year old brother. He came with us to the movies, and was a good kid there and stuff. I ended up sitting next to seth at the movies, this one kid who we all went with whose friends with seth, and someone i talk to, was all "make amy and seth sit together!" haha..yeaah. i wonder if he knows all about what happend. I mean i guess he must know something if he's saying that. But yeah. It was kinda funny. I mean im sure he knows about kim too, which makes it even funnier. But the movie was awesome. I liked it a lot. Seth and i actually communicated somewhat during the movie, and i freeloaded on his popcorn and drink, and he kind of started footsy-in with me during the movie. i dunno, it probably was just a joke or wasnt a big deal. but yeah. i dunno. he has a totally serious look on his face while he was doing it too, which made it kind of confusing. So then he asked us if we could come over and watch some superhero movies with him. I knew I had to be home by a certain time, but i couldn't refuse and I figured i'd have enough time to get back home (about 3 hours)..But then when we went to lacey's to drop her little brother off, her mom wasnt home and we were stuck looking after him for about an hour until one of lacey's aunts called and thankfully got him out of our hands for a little bit. So then even though i knew it was against my better judgement i went to seths anyway. This time he made sure i didn't sit next to him on the couch. I didn't really mind, but it was somewhat confusing. the same kid that wanted us to sit next to each other at the movies was sitting next to me, and he was all "ill switch places with you seth if you waaant" ha..yeah. hm. I think maybe seth told them something afterwards or somthing. I mean, i dunno. i guess it would have been weird if we sat together and something happened especially with lacey there and stuff. I mean that would be kind of weird anyway right now. But yeah. So we ended up watching napoleon dynamite, and my mom came home and called and yelled at me and then talked to his mom who then took me home. yeaah. So i mean, i dunno. I guess i feel bad. Seth's house wasnt that great anyway, but i had to be with vaughn so long i didn't want to just go home, i mean..I wanted some pay off. Seths wouldve probably been fine if i didnt get in trouble or anything. I think i just feel kind of bad that seth may get in trouble cause his mom may be mad at him for it, or that i may not be able to do much for the rest of break. But like..the thing is that my mom's weird and often she doesnt let me do anything. So when i can its kind of hard to just be like..no. I probably should have had my moms work number and called, but i didn't bring it which was dumb of me. I felt kind of bad, but everyone was semi cool with it, which was releiving. Seth was kind of mad that he may get in trouble, and i apologized and his sister was just like "just hit him in the face if he gets mean" haha. well something like that. But yeah. So i was bracing myself for his mom to yell at me in the car, and i apologized and told her that it wasnt seth's fault and blha blah blah. But i dunno, so hopefully she won't be as mad at him. She seemed pretty calm in the car, and she said her only concern was that my mom may be mad at her, but i told her that she's probably only mad at me, and that its only my fault. But yeah. Then she talked about her christmas and stuff with me, and like..other random stuff. So she didn't seem that pissed. I think his mom likes me, which is decidedly a very good thing. Cause otherwise i probably wouldve been up the creek. But yeah. so..phew. I got home and my mom yelled at me, but i wasnt really that angry about getting in trouble cause i kind of expected it. I just feel bad about the seth thing and i hope my mom gets over it. I mean i told her i'd carry around her number from now on, and that she should just carry around her cell everywehre instead of me expecting to reach her at work all the time. But anyway, so yeah. I mean i think she's still pissed, but she didn't yell at me as much as i thought she was going to. Maybe cause i came in and didnt care as much as she thought i was going to. But yeah. I dunno. I mean i just feel bad about seth. I guess ill call him tomorrow and apologize. I really hope he doesn't get in trouble. But yeah. I dunno. he's just..weird. like one minute he's one way, then the next he's the other. I guess he can't decide how to act around me or something. But yeah. I know I can survive on my own. Although I know that somehow we'll be together, and it sucks to hear/see anything about him and kim, for now im somewhat okay with things. i mean not entirely of course. But right now i've become..comfortably numb. ha. way to quote pink floyd, i know. well although i could go off on some tangent, this entry is like a mile long as it is..and im tired and hungry and therefore can't think straight. so i ought to stop typing now. 7:40 p.m. - 2004-12-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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