compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dont lose the dreams inside your head. love will be there until youre dead. eh.. yeah. i dont know where i got that. the first line is kinda from fahrenheit451. I feel bored. Stupid. Crappy. heh. i dont know..this weekend kinda sucked. veena was in a bad mood (i speculate it was pms..) the whole time. Yesterday she made me feel really bad. My dad and i were talking about me getting contacts, and she started yelling at both of us telling me how i should wait a year for contacts because i dont deserve them and im irresponsible. Then she said if i get contacts then shes going to cut my allowance in half. I dont really think my allowance is her business because it comes out of my dads pocket, not hers. If my dad had suggested this to begin with himself then it would be a little different. My dad doesnt think that my contacts have anything to do with my allowance. She said a lot of things that made me feel really bad. And i couldnt help but cry. I was trying really hard not to. And i thought i was somewhat succeeding, but then after dinner i looked in the mirror and my face was swelled and my eyes were red. Fuck. i really have to work on hiding my emotions more. After i was trying so hard to suck it up, she kept on taunting me. She said "why are you sitting there as if someone died? its only 5 dollars." she said it in that...way. that way lawyers say something to the suspects to attempt them to convict themselves in some way. She always makes things so im the hypocrite. I beleive in gun control yet i like paintball. I, personally, dont see how the two things conflict because they have nothing to do with each other. but whatever. she called me a hypocrite once because of that. And, with this thing, she was trying to show how im really a materialistic one hiding behind the nobility of someone who beleves in love. What i was more mad at was the things she was saying and how she said it, not the 5$. Its like, she was trying to stop me from getting contacts. She asked me why i even deserved them. Conacts are a material after all. She kind of implied that last part there. But, see, im trying to look better. Im trying to gain a little self confidence. and everything is for one thing. Maybe if im more confident ill be more attractive, you know where this is headed. See, veena is the type of person full of bigger ultimadums that she beleives keep people in line. After i felt bad about what she had said, she kept on taunting me. Shes also different then me. The exact opposite of nieve. She beleives in money, for example. she always tells me to marry for money and not for love, and that love will come later with living with the person for so long. that sounds miserable to me. We had a discussion on this once. She told me that "There are very few people who arnt materialistic, and you arnt one of them." its like..yeah. you know me so well. gee thanks. Maybe shes right, i dont know. I truthfully would be a lot sadder if i didnt have this computer, or anything for that matter. But the thing is..I'd trade everything to be with him. whoever *he* is. I feel like i've lost all my passion towards everything at the moment, too. I dont think i like matt anymore.i mean, i like him, as if i get nervous when i talk to him online, and i always hope that ill run into him sometime this summer. But i dont think i anymore really like him. as much as i used to. Its more like this empty shell still residing the actual feelings used to be. The fact that i dont like him anymore probably should make me happy. But it doesnt. I feel deflated. I also dont enjoy music as much as i used to only days ago..Well, i take that back. Im listening to the offspring right now and i like it. and ive been reciting all apologies by nirvana in my head all day. i dont think i really enjoy movies at the moment either. And i hate to look at my own artwork. Im just so tired of everything. Hopefully this is just a phase, like a type of all-purpos-block, that will go away. I hope so. so if you walk away, you is gonna stay? cause id like to think the world is a better place. id like to leave the world be a better place. listen to americana. i hope this feeling will go away. 6:44 p.m. - 2002-07-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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