compie's Diaryland Diary

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still I push my barrow all the day

yeah. So it's been a while. This semester came and left. It was good though. Things actually got done. Demons were laid to rest. I mean, some were at least injured or spotted or something.

I'm going to try to make this pretty stream of conciousness. So, maybe I won't fill in all of the details. But, no one but me reads this so that's okay.

This semester I saved myself. There was a long stretch where I needed to see "I love Amy" every morning so I would actually get out of bed. But, I'm working on that. I need to see my own value. If I don't I can't be a functioning member of society. And I have a fucking ton to show and give to the human race. Just like most people, but still. We are all beautiful people.

I've been thinking about living in the woods alone for a while to clear my mind of everything and everyone. Although I feel like its a somewhat irresponsible thing to do, it may be good for me. I feel like everything I do could very well be a product of someone else. Either trying to be like them or trying to impress them. And I need to rid myself of that mentality completely. I mean, maybe I can do so without living in some forest for a while. I just need to regain my sense of self.

I need to regain my power over words. I haven't written anything worthwhile in college. I don't know why. More has happened to me in the past two years worth writing about then very much of my years growing up.

Maybe I'm like Emily Dickinson. Coming out of my house was death.

On the other hand, really living seems to be what good writing is made out of, for the most part.

I'm taking creative writing next semester. I hope I can satisfy myself through that.

And that's what I need to do most. Satisfy myself.

I'm running a campaign on campus to get the university to invest in clean energy. The campaign was really hard to get off the ground. There were obstacles. But now its grown from pretty much just me to a good 5 or 6 amazing people who are really excited to help.

I also met a boy this way. I mean, of course I fucking met a boy.

Things with the last guy I liked a lot turned awkward quickly. He came to a party during my Greenpeace summer, and we sort of flirted but nothing happend. In the beginning of the semester, he called and asked me if he could crash at my place the next night. Of course I said yes. And me and my friend began divising a plan..

Basically, I'd ask him if he wanted the sleeping bag, or the cuddle option. If he chose the cuddle option, I'd know. And everything would be easy from there.

He chose the cuddle option. We didn't cuddle though. Instead we slept face to face. How akward. And we didn't end up doing anything. The next morning, and the next month, it was awkward between us.

Finally we started talking again mid-semester. They had a party at the house he was living at (along wiht other people I know), and he DJed. At one point I started dancing with this really hot guy. Before I knew it this kid was behind me, and not Djing anymore. So he basically stole me from the guy i was dancing with. My "friend" and I held hands for part of the night. I was sure this was it. It's all finally coming out..

But then the next day I come into a friend's room, and I see this kid, and he has some random girl in his lap. He acted like nothing happend last night.

I was back to square one with the whole fucking thing. That's when I decided to give it up. He was becoming way too much trouble. And he cockblocked a really hot guy from me..ugh.

anyway. That's when I met this other kid.

For one of our campaign events, we made a facebook event out of it. On the wall, I wrote something about environmental justice. I get this friend request from this random guy that's interested in working with us. Apparently he has a "few ideas". Great. I messaged him a couple times about meeting up to discuss these ideas. No response. Not too promising..

Then I get a facebook invite to a group he started. Some poetry group on campus. I figure I should go to a meeting to meet this kid.

So I went. And I met him. And it was alright. I thought he was kind of cute. Not a big deal though, whatever.

I went to the next meeting too because a friend of mine was being showcased. Also, because I wanted to establish some sort of friendship with this mystery environmental justice kid.n Lets, uh, call him Jack. That's not his real name though. I just stopped using people's names because I'm paranoid of them finding this.

So, after the meeting, Jack comes up to me and is like.."Do you want to split this piece of pie with me?". I'm confused as to why. I guess he didn't want a whole piece, whatever. So he split the pie. It felt like breaking bread. Brotherhood.

We all went up to his room to drop off all the sound equipment used. Then he handed me a book and asked me if I wanted to borrow it. This is sort of intruiging. I guess so. It was a book of poems by one of his favorite modern poets.

One of the poems really did it for me. After reading it, for some reason, I was like...shit, why am I all of a sudden hot for this kid?

It was a sexy poem. A really fucking sexy poem.

A few days later, I ran into him near our campus co-op. Of course. We have really good conversation. He's really smooth. I can tell. I leave pretty much in a haze over him. Like seriously, I oculdn't think straight for a little while afterward.

He's fluent in spanish.

anyway..yeah. The next poetry meeting is the last one. And apparently he was tired. We talked. It was awkward though. I started feeling like maybe he didn't like me anymore. I got slightly upset.

I'm realizing I'm starting to like him. fuck.

Finals come around. I ran into him at the library. Actually, I started talking to him online at the library, and we came to the conclusion that we were both there. Then he asked me to find him. When I did, he moved over, and we shared a seat as he told me assorted stories of his past love life with a girl that he was really involved with. But it's over now. He apparently one day just realized he wasn't in love with her. But she had a boyfriend in montreal the whole time..

wow. hm..

anyway, then some shit happend. and the semester ended. More about that later.

during break, we talked online. He said he wanted to hang out. Then he went to connecticutt for a few days. When he came back, he was going to drive all the way up here (from DC to baltimore) to see me. It was fucking adorable. He called me the night before. When I answered, he started singing to me.

I might has well would have melted into a puddle at that point.

But it didn't work out. He ended up having band practice at 4, so it wouldn't have been worth to come all the way up at that point..

But the next day there was a punk festival in DC. A two day thing. I was planning on just going the last day. But he said a lot of good bands were playinig on the first day. And that I could crash at his place if I wanted.

yeah..sooo. I made shit up and my mom miraculously let me go.

I said this was going to be stream of conciousness didn't I. I always feel the need to give everyone all the bloody details of things. I always am afraid that I will forget, I think that's why. But I hardly ever do.

anyway, so there was a punk show. blah blah. it was okay the first night. It ended well. Last band was awesome.

In the car back, we ended up talking. He parked the car and put his seat down. I don't know what he expected here, but we didn't kiss then. there was a point where we stared into each others eyes dreamily though.

we went in the house and made some food for dinner. And talked about our past relationships. I told him about aaron and how when I told aaron I liked him he was all "I know." I told him about the other kid this past semester and "the cuddle option." He said that at this point he isn't looking for a girlfriend.

finally, when it was time to sleep, we set up the twin beds in his room to be pushed together. he was near the edge of his, and I was near the edge of mine.

We turn the lights off.

I start playing with his hair. Our foreheads are touching.

He turns around all of a sudden. I figure I was getting annoying. Shit.

"you should spoon me," he says.

So i do.

All of a sudden he turns around and starts playing with my hair. our foreheads are touching again.

Then I kissed him.

and then we started making out

It was pretty amazing. I think i'll keep the details to myself. We didn't get too much past making out though, like nothing any more sexual then that.

We woke up intermittently and kept on doing this sort of thing. He has really soft skin and really nice hands.

"I always wondered what would happen if we kissed," he says.

"now you know."

"what are you, robert de niro?"

haha...oh man.

okay..I should really stop thinking about this. It's not healthy to keep on recounting it.

The next day, the second day of the fest, we kissed in the car on the way there to the mix cd I made him playing in the background.

The show this day was amazing. I ended up crowdsurfing. It was a really nurtured type of experience. I thought people were going to rip me apart, but instead I felt cradled by hundreds of hands. I've never felt so physically connected with a group of people before.

anyway..yeah. it was amazing. the whole thing. When it was time to me to drive back home, we ended up kissing in his car again. But I told him I couldn't do this because we'd be there forever and I really had to go home. But we still made out a little bit.

He left for Dallas a few days later to record with his band. He won't be back until the semester starts up again. Although I miss him and I really hope he'll still like me when he comes back, I'm sort of releived theres almost like a pause button in this whole thing, and I can use this time to get ahold of myself and figure out the best possible way to approach this situation.

here's where it could get messy..He wants to co-found an environmental justice group. Which will be awesome if things work out, but it could create some problems if they don't.

I really want to work with him on this..but I'm just afraid. I think i'll have to just go with it though and hope for the best.

I'm also worried he'll usurp power. Guys tend to do that. But I guess I should only start worrying about that if I sense that it's happening.

ugh. I'm so paranoid at all times.

anyway, we'll see where this goes. hopefully somewhere. He has a lot of ex girlfriends. But apparently he's on good terms with all of them. So we'll see.

I called him the night before he left. He said he was still happy from the punk festival. Good sign I think..

okay..enough about this. I need to find my own center. Regardless of what happens in this situation, I need to realize that I can be the calm eye in the center of the hurricane, with the right and healthy frame of mind.

I have to find my own peace. Fuck.

anyway..

This semester was crazy. Starting up this campaign, seeing it stifled by buereaucracy, and then seeing it come alive at the end (after the paid organizer leaves for vacation..go figure) was amazing.

Getting over Kid A...empowering.

I also had a lot of shit to deal with with my major. I got a C in GVPT100 (i'm a politix major). I'm supposed to have a certain GPA in my governmental classes. If I got a C in econ, I'd have to retake gvpt and hope for a B. I was ready to suck so many people's cocks (figuratively, for the most part), in order for them to somehow have mercy on me. I also had too many credits to take gvpt100 over again, even though I'm technically allowed to. Basically, it was a huge fucking mess. and the advisors only sort of helped. I really thought I was fucked..

but then, I get my transcript. I got a B- in econ. A B MINUS. That means that I now have NOTHING to worry about on this front. I was so happy. SO happy. Nothing could have made me happier for the semester.

I know it involved a good deal of luck. So i'm thanking God and all the powers that be. But I'm also a little proud of myself for pulling through for once. Those ridiculously late nights at the library really paid off

Ugh. My mom never shuts the fuck up.

Some things don't ever change.

I'm so happy i'm out of highschool. I've been thinking about that lately too.

I saw ben and tuyen yesterday. We had a pretty fun time, even though there were moments of awkwardness. For some reason it still made me really thankful I wasn't in highschool anymore though. It was even slightly depressing. I'm so much happier now then I was then, even though I have more shit to deal with. I just feel much freer and more accepted now. I don't know. I feel like now, in college, I'll really have the space to grow that I didn't have all throughout school for some reason.

I'm just a wide eyed kid finally out of the barred cell crib.

god, I've become a bad writer. Give me something to write so I can get back to when I could use words correctly.

11:55 p.m. - 2007-01-05

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