compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the beautiful and the damned Okay. so i am aware that i have a bit of personality problems. I am much too inhibited at times, even with people i shouldnt be like that around. I can safely say that only a couple people really know me, because to everyone else im just kind of quiet, or sarcastic (which i guess i am anyways), or something else that i am not really necessarily. So back to sarcasm. I do it a lot. I can't help it. Any writer or psychologist can tell you that sarcasm is a type of "device" used by a person to acheive some sort of space between them and their counterpart. still. i cant help it. I can forgive people, but i never forget what they did. Sure, after some huge fight you picked with me or after some big event that triggered the end of our friendship, ill eventually try to be nice to you again. but theres only so far that will go. I wont talk about you anymore, but ill still think about what you did. If you apologize, ill realize that you've changed. that is, if you meant it. But ill have changed too. I don't trust people the same as I used to. Just everyone. I cant help it, i just don't. on the other hand, im quite naive. Im suspicious of things i shouldnt be, and naive of things i should be suspicious of. Maybe im just unlucky with things like that. hm. and i used to be incredibly insecure. I've been working on that, im not nearly as bad as I used to be..But I can take a lot of things to heart. You may not knooow I do. But I do. And then i'm a hypocrite when other people are really insecure and show that they are. It bothers me for some reason. A lot. But at least I can say that its all not entirely my fault. Well, most of it. Which is what i'd like to think anyways. but eeevvverybody has some problems, right? I'm short. hahahahaa. thats another thing that bothers me. Although I guess you'd all think i'd be used to it by now. hahaha. So this week is just about the last week of school. I cant wait for it to all be over. the weight to be lifted from my shoulders. finnnnaaally. I took my SAT's this weekend. I have no idea of predicting my score, so im not even going to try. i finally can go to the retreat thing at my church, I get to stay with this girl for the whole week. im excited/nervous about that. She may hate me. Which is why im nervous. I just hope that there wont be any "drama" or "heartbreaks" this time around. So last year it was fun and all, but i really can't handle it this year. Especially people crying over others and everyone talking about me being a "whore". I can see it may be like that again though. Already this girl asked me for her friend (that liked jon and some other people i hung out with last year) if the boys were going to come this year. oooh no. Its starting already. She couldnt ask me though herself? I sense some tension. But i don't have anything against the girl, i havent even talked to her in like a year. but whatever. I just hope things dont get too interesting. Then again, maybe i do. no..no wait..i dont. so besiiides that..I really need to get out more often. I need to get my damn license. This isnt even about things like driving to the mall anymore, this is a matter of necessity. Recently i always get caught up in obtaining a ride, and somehow it screws me over. It's really pissing me off. And now, all my friends that used to live in the neighborhood either kinda suck now or moved away. So if i want to do ANYTHING this summer, ill really have to be able to drive. so yesterday was this rememberance thing for my cousin's grandfather. My mom told me that i had to go as punishment for not coming back from the SATs in time (long story), and then when i come home she's like oh no nevermind you don't have to go. Its going to be really boring, i wouldnt go myself if i didnt have to. Today she's all "you don't care about anybody, you didnt go to his rememberance thing" well WTF. you told me not to. at first you were fucking acting like i had to go out of PUNISHMENT. oh yeah, then yesterday she told me that i had to go because i have to go everywhere she does. gee yeah thats really going to make me want to go. So anyways, she made me think it was going to suck. then she comes today and tells me about how my cousins made some nice speeches and how im a terrible person for not going (i already felt bad enough not going after she told me about it). yeah. what the hell. she really pisses me off sometimes. so anyways. my day was quite uneventful. how was yours? 10:13 p.m. - 2004-06-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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