compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i am just a worthless liar. and wouldnt that be a lie? hhmmph. Seems like people can see right through me. or something. Tuyen told me today that her and a couple other people were talking about me. They all said that i was really insecure when i dont need to be and im really emotionally unstable and depressed..She said she was worried about me that i may be suicidal or something..Well. I mean, i have been i guess. She also said that i take insults too seriously and never remember compliments..I dunno.. well now i feel really selfish for feeling this way.That im not worth him and im not worth this. They worry about me...? i didnt think that anyone did. and rightly so i guess. No one ever listens to a word i say. But then i mean. There are some nice people out there. nicer than me. Maybe shes right. i guess i have to work on that. I dont know...it just seems like everyones efforts are wasted in the end. Like today, even with people i dont really know. Me and Aaron and Chris went walking around sparrows point. theyre really nice guys. Anyways, all i remember is seeing Chris's really blue eyes staring at me telling me that "you can do this..". i really didnt beleive that i could. But i did some of the time. I think ive just felt this way for so long that its hard not to. I dont knwo what to do about it though. Fuck im not telling parents or anything thats just dumb theyre the last people who will know anything about me. but i dont think its clinical or anything, so thered be no point in that. i just have to work on it myself somehow. GOD i hate it when all people do is talk about how depressed they are and how theyre suicidal and shit. I dont really do that i dont think. they just want attention. I dont know if theres really anything wrong with me or maybe if i just do want attention. But i guess its good to know that someone cares. Like, another thing is that i always feel horrible about being so short. I mean, its almost like i dont exist at all. Im so skinny and short i might as well not exist. I have to hear something about my height everyday. argh now i really feel bad now. I didnt think anyone cared and it makes me feel bad that tuyen is worried about me when im nothing worth it to be worried about. Just in general, if people are worried about theres nothing here to be worried about. I am nothing. This is a paradox, because in saying that i am making them more worried. god, i really dont feel like talking to anyone now. but then i feel guilty for not talking to anyone because it seems like some of them may actually care. whish would mean that i am not nothing. but i am. but im not...but..but..well. yeah. maybe i need to work on this. i dont know how to though. Sorry this entry is all serious and stuff. I just feel worse than i have ever felt in a really long time. 10:30 p.m. - 2002-04-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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