compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I haven't typed out a sentence in months. I was just thinking how in high school, people somehow found this very online journal and were hurt by it. I had called one girl a slut, I had named teachers that I felt were inadequate. I probably said some other shit. Well, now that I'm older than half of those teachers I had back then were then, I can say it's weird AF that they took the time to find my online journal, read it, and then take it personally. At the time I was just embarrassed. That one girl who I called a slut was actually really sweet about it. She was just clearly hurt. I used that term way too much in high school to describe white girls who were proud of getting laid when I was greasy, was getting called a terrorist, and couldn't even make a friend let alone a lay. So I was jealous. But beyond that, I didn't even feel human enough to realize my opinion was worth so much to anyone that it would ever amount to hurt feelings. Maybe it's my Aquarian nature, or maybe it was just being a queer little darkish asian person, or maybe both, but now that I"m 31 I finally feel a part of the human race. It took me a long ass time, and I'll probably revert to feeling alienated af again in due time. Now that I finally feel like I'm at least kind of human, I can resonate with other humans through art. Finally! Maybe now I can make some contributions to society. I finally have a law degree. People appreciate my curation of songs as a DJ. I want to draw and write again but I haven't because I'm scared of what will come out--maybe nothing or something I hate. But I still intend to get to those things too. Since graduating in May and getting laid off in June, I finally did some traveling-- I went to Hawaii and the Philippines. It was amazing, but also life got in the way, as usual. Both experiences gave me complicated feelings. But, I did finally float in the ocean and learn how to surf. I got back in yoga, which I need to every day, just a little, by myself. Lately I've just been watching movies and getting eaten by mosquitos. I swear sometimes they get more of me than what I feed myself in a day. I just watched the people v. larry flynt. I saw it sometime when I was a lot younger..I want to say in high school but I honestly can't remember. I do remember my blood running so hot when flynt's lawyer was arguing in front of the supreme court. I remember thinking how amazing it would be to weild such righteousness. Now watching it again, I was just like..oh...cool. glad he won, but it was such a narrow holding-- celebrities cannot collect for emotional distress on cases of satire and parody.. Cool. Shit somehow made me cry as a teenager, but as an adult I feel just...not surprised but happy that the Court made more sense back then. It made me think of how Scalia and Rhenquist voted for free speech in this case, and how listening to Kavanaugh say a sentence on TV fills me with more cynicism and fear for where things are going at this point. I wonder if anyone will read this--perhaps an old teacher of mine, on their old laptop, or somehow one of their very old bookmarks if they still use netscape or whatever. I saw one of the worst high school teachers I had who I wrote extensively about here, she came into the retail clothing store I worked at some years ago, and we ignored each other like strangers. I think I really hurt her feelings. It was her first year teaching and she was bad at it. Maybe she's better at it now. Anyway, this is a rambling post, I guess not unlike other things I've written here. I'm still very amazed that this site is still hosting my idiot comments I've made for more than 10 years. That's amazing. The internet is a crazy place. 3:18 a.m. - 2018-10-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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